JACKSONVILLIANS!!

Ok, so...who wants to go see Wicked with me?

I'm in town the 8th through the 11th of May. These are the showtimes which might be possibilities.

05/08/2009 - anything going on with the wedding on Friday night?
08:00 PM

05/10/2009
01:30 PM

05/10/2009
07:00 PM

Let me know soon! There are only like, 5 tickets left or something.

I had a great weekend.

Sunday was my favorite day. Mom and Dad came to pick me up for church in the morning. We went to the other Church of God in the Hampton Roads area. It's called Water's Edge Church. It was Easter Sunday, so I decided against wearing jeans. I wore a pink dress with flowers all over it, and a headband. Really? No, not really. I wore pants and a shirt. But my shirt was yellow...and cute! Anyway, we arrived early because we wanted to get a good seat. This allowed us time to chat with a few people. My dad spoke with an old friend, and it helped heal his heart. Soooo glad about that. The "worship" music was great too. The lead chick had a Taylor guitar, so much props for that. And they chose good songs. The preacher's also son sang a song that was extremely powerful. My mom and I enjoyed it immensely.The message from the interim was important and celebrated the awesomeness of Christ's resurrection.

And then came the cool part for me. Dad went out to the car, mom went to the bathroom and I stood in the foyer waiting for mom. Now...let me explain why this was cool. As most of you know, I have been church hopping since June, trying to find a church family. I chose not to go to my dad's church for various reasons (having nothing to do with him), but I never wanted to try the other chog because it would feel like a betrayal of my dad. So, I've been to several churches including United Methodist, Unity Resurrection and Forefront (on the more contemporary side of things). Nothing has seemed right. I liked Forefront, and may go back again. But, the experience at Water's Edge has demanded I at least go again this Sunday.

So, back to the cool part...I was standing around, waiting for mom when this chick came up to me and said, "Hey, I like your hair! It's all pixie like," with a big smile on her face…a welcoming smile. And she didn't just walk away, she asked my name. She introduced herself. She asked me where I was from and we had a conversation. She also introduced me to Sharon, who is like her second mother at the church. Other people gathered around and they started making plans to go out to eat after church. I had plans with the family for Easter, but I totally blew them off. Really? No, I'm kidding. But it made me happy to hear them planning to go out to eat, because I miss that. I miss Sunday after church. I miss having a church family. And I am sure the fact that it is a Church of God led to the home-y feeling as well.

But, it also leads to questions. How much do they know about me? Do they know I was an ordained minister? The Church of God world is pretty darn small. How much do I reveal about myself, and when? I'm not just going to burst through the doors and scream, "Hey ya'll...I'm gay." Being gay is not how I define myself. I define myself as a Christian woman. And I just happen to be gay. I'm not living the "gay lifestyle." I don't believe such a thing exists, except in the movies. And to have this stereotype applied to everyone who is gay, is insulting and ignorant. I'm not having sex. I'm not dating anyone. I'm not even planning on it. All I am doing is seeking God.

I'm trying to find where He wants me in this world; trying to understand this call to ministry; trying to understand His love and grace, and learn how to communicate this to everyone I meet. If I meet someone who I believe God wants me to date...then by golly...I'll go on a date. If he chooses a guy for me...so be it. If that is His will, then He will show me. I don't really see that happening, but I am allowing for the possibility. If He chooses a girl for me, so be it. I will still live my life as a morally responsible child of God.

Do I believe homosexual relationships are sinful? It depends on the relationship, and on the people involved in it. It's not my job to judge if someone is sinning or not. Do I believe heterosexual relationships are sinful? It depends on the relationship, and on the people involved in it. It's not my job to judge if someone is sinning or not. The subject of sin is both simple and complicated. And I don’t have the energy to write about it at this point.

But I cannot bring myself to believe that because someone is attracted to their own gender, that they are precluded from loving someone and being loved back. Being gay is not a conscious choice (for most). Being straight is not a conscious choice (for most). There is nothing I see in the Scripture which demands that we love someone of the opposite sex. There is nothing I see in the Scripture which demands that we do not love someone of the same sex. Yes, there are warnings against the use and purpose of sex. There are warnings about giving ourselves to something other than God and following our own lusts. There are warnings against overindulgence (in anything). And there are warnings against rebelling from cultural standards. But there are no warnings against love…as long as God comes first.

I realize that most of you do not know why I believe that the Bible does not say homosexuality is sin. I do want you to know, but not because I want you to believe as I do. That’s not my job. I want you to know because I want you to know me. I love you and care about you. And I want you to understand this decision that I have made. I don’t want to be marked off your list of who you think is going to heaven (not that you should be carrying a list). I don’t want to be thought of as a sinner who just gave up on God. But most of all, I don’t want to lose your friendship, and your respect. So…just give me some time and I’ll post my reasons. But, right now…I just want to go to sleep.

apples and...

cream cheese fruit dip.

We had a wedding shower for Allison (a girl on my team) at work today. It was fun. I just met her a couple months ago, so I failed the Allison Trivia Quiz. But I wrote a poem that everyone liked, wishing her well in true mutual fund fashion. There are tons of apple slices left over, and I've been stuffing myself with them. It's better than eating the cupcakes my mom keeps bringing over.

Mom came over and watched American Idol last night. I was about to fall asleep, so she went home before it was finished. I will watch the rest tonight. My brother has watched more reality tv since we moved in together than he would ever want to. But I think he enjoys it in his own way.

I am trying out another new church this week. I've been to seven churches in the Hampton Roads area, and none seem to be a place to call home. It's frustrating. But I have been in dialogue with the pastor at the church I'm trying this week, so hopefully it will be a place I can get involved in. After so many years of ministry, it just feels weird to go to church and sit in the back. There's no one to talk to afterwards, no fighting over where to go to lunch, no hugs...I miss Northside more than I can say. I am hoping God leads me where He wants me. And I am hoping I will follow.

I love you guys. And miss you terribly.

weekend

This weekend was pretty awesome. Erica, Nikki and Greg came over Friday night and we Wii-Fit-ted it up! We ate yummy nachos and cheescake, and did the hula. It was hilarious and so much fun! Then on Saturday, I did absolutely nothing...which was grand. Sunday I went to a new church. Still haven't found the right one. Then Erica and I went out to Mt Trashmore and roller-skated/bladed / longboarded. It was crazy. I haven't been on a pair of roller skates in YEARS! And it was quite obvious. We burned a lot of calories laughing though. Shawn and I went over to the 'rents house last night and played Rook. Good times.

Break's over...that was my weekend in a nutshell.

surprise...

...I'm pregnant.

uh...yeah, right. If you fell for that one - God bless your pea-pickin' heart.

A lot has happened this past month. Moving to a new team was definitely the solution which was needed to keep my sanity.

I'm actually at work right now, and just on a 15-er, so I don't have much time to speak. But, I expect I'll be adding something here in the next day or so. This will be a good weekend. And I'll try to share part of it with ya'll.

Much love.

Holla at me if you can.

crazy beautiful

So, I found the cd Brandi made for the "Captivating" retreat last July. It rocks. It's comprised of songs which remind us how beautiful we are in God's eyes.

So, today...remember:

You are crazy beautiful.

for a friend

is it silly?
this rule.
Is it the remains of my teenage years?

Is it outdated?
This conviction.
Or does it just serve to calm my fears?

Where will this go?
What could this be?
Could he be the one?

How will I know?
How will he know?
or is it just innocent fun?

I made a promise
I'm sticking to it
Does that mean I'm a prude?

Or could it be
a part of me
which I will save for you

the one created
just for me
I will wait til then

against temptation
against the odds
with God's strength...I shall win



MA - I wrote this right after we talked on the phone. It was written quickly...and on post-its. It's definitely not good poetry, but you were on my mind. And this is what came out.

Whatever you decide...know this: God adores you. He has wonderful, creative ideas for your life. Keep talking to him...and He'll let you know what to do.

Much love.

4 minutes

I have four minutes before I start working. I am on my new schedule of 8:15am to 5:15pm. I get out of work a little later, and the traffic is a little worse. But not too shabby. I still get home in 25 minutes or less.

I get to double team with a couple of my new teammates this week. Double teaming is where I sit beside them and listen to them take phone calls...and hopefully learn something. There is SOOOO much to learn for this job...it's insanity. But I love learning. So, it works.

Lea comes to visit in three days! I am pretty happy about that. My mom is equally as happy. Can you believe my mom and Lea have never met? Hopefully we'll get to go to lunch together this week.

Alright, four minutes is up.

I made it!

Well...I made it to my new team. I made it through the "situation" and I am starting fresh. WHOO-HOO!!!!! I'm a little excited. Plus, I just had some coffee. I hope I'll get a chance to get to know my new co-workers. We have "Team Time" today, so I am hoping that will help.

Today my old team is having a baby shower for Michele! It's exciting. We get to eat pizza. I love pizza. And my new team brought breakfast this morning. Yum.

It is so nice to be removed from the "situation" and not have to be reminded of it constantly. I am hoping in the next couple of weeks I will stop thinking about it completely. How awesome would that be?

By the way, in case you didn't know - God rocks. Check out this post...http://www.sisterfriends-together.org/more-jesus-less-religion/ - it's so true. It's on a website for Christian lesbians. I used to think that term was an oxymoron. Not anymore. I really hope people don't forget who I am and just think of me as "gay" now. This has always been a part of me. It was just hidden. I am still the same crazy chick who loves God and people. And I'm still here for you if you need me.

back to work

Today I went "title."

I'm not sure what I was expecting. Maybe the feeling of dread which I have had in the pit of my stomach would be magically gone? And all would be well?

Not so much.

It's still here. But I'm hoping it goes away with my move to the new building.

Please, go away.

time off

I was off work last Thursday through Monday. I went to work on Tuesday. Now I'm off until Monday. And it's not because I planned a vacation. I haven't been doing well lately. HR is working with me, thank goodness. And they have allowed me this time off without penalty. Next week I am moving to a new team in a new building. And I am very happy about that. I am hoping it will allow me to have a fresh start.
I need a fresh start.